Many of us, clients and clinicians alike, are curious about the mechanisms behind why therapy is effective in helping one feel better. We know therapy is effective in easing pain, but why? I’m a nerd and could go on and on, waxing poetic about my musings, but instead, I will give a book recommendation, Why Therapy Works, Using our Minds to Change our Brains, by Louis Cozolino (although, I do not endorse the exploration he does around “alpha” and “beta” personalities). I will also list some main points from the book, as well as some other ideas, observations, and teachings I have gathered throughout clinical career and time on this planet, in general.

• Humans are social creatures.

  • We are wired to connect and grow in relationship to one another. We are also wired to survive. Disconnection therefore creates pain, suffering, and threatens our sense of survival. Many of our present hurts are rooted in attachment wounds and traumas.

  • These tenets lay down the foundation of why therapy can help someone feel better since an attuned (good) therapeutic relationship invites authentic connection and opportunities for insight and growth, meeting both our need to survive, and our need to connect to others.

  • How we interact with the world and others is often mirrored in the relationship in therapy and with your therapist. Therapy offers a non-judgmental, safe, space where you may gain more insight into how you relate with the world (and yourself) and whether you might want to play around with relating to the world in a different way. These changes can start with shifting how you relate to your therapist.

• Humans are incredibly adaptable.

  • In the face of grave danger or difficulties, humans are able to adopt protective strategies to help them cope and survive (often times in mainstream culture, these strategies have been pathologized and referred to as self sabotage, but they are anything but! They are often a form of inherent self soothing/protection/survival, though at times yes, maladaptive.)

  • However, in the words of one of my favorite teachers/clinicians/trainers, Linda Thai, “often what has kept us alive, keeps us from living.” We are very good at adopting protective strategies, and not as good as letting go of them, even when we no longer need them and/or external situations have shifted. Therapy where you feel safe, attuned, seen and heard by your therapist will allow you to feel a felt sense of safeness that will then allow you to let go of your survival strategies. Your system will finally recognize it doesn’t need to brace so hard.

• There is nothing more powerful or refreshing as sharing your story and feeling fully seen and heard.

  • Talk therapy is not a modern invention. Instead, it has its roots in the communal healing of ancient traditions, specifically in communal storytelling, (as is the case with many modern day healing practices, especially those not endorsed by the dominant, western culture).

  • Thousands of years ago, our ancestors found that gathering around ancient fires and sharing and telling stories was nourishing. Anthropologist, Polly Wiessner, suggests that sharing this communal space, “put listeners on the same emotional wavelength [and] elicited understanding, trust, and sympathy."

  • The evidence that sharing ones story has helped cultures survive and find vitality for centuries aligns well with current research around the power of “naming to tame” and narrative therapy, where there is nothing more refreshing than sharing your story and feeling fully seen and heard and neuroscience wise, we introduce distance between our feelings and experience when we put words to it.

  • Because many (though not all) of us have not experiences where we were held in unconditional positive regard or felt fully seen, understood, and validated, we stumble around, looking for relationships where we can experience these things. However, because we never experienced or were modeled these things, we do not know how to ask for these needs to be met, and given how much of the population has experienced some type of trauma, whether that is interpersonal or Big T trauma, we may be looking in places where we will never get our need met. Therapy can provide a place where these experiences are mirrored and offered. Once you’ve had these experiences, you may start to better ask for your needs to be met or better receive care, outside of session.

At the root of all these musings, I think it is important to note that the rapport and relationship you have with your therapist is going to be one of the most (/the most) important indicators to how effective therapy is. It is important you feel comfortable, heard, seen, validated, and not judged by your therapist. My hope is, even if you do not work with me, you will use this as a barometer for whether you want to work with someone. Perhaps trust doesn’t come naturally or easily for you. That is okay, and makes sense! But it can make it difficult to gauge whether a therapist may be a good fit for you. I encourage you to shop around. Sometimes with comparisons, it makes it easier to discern nuances in your own experience. I think it’s easy to stay in a lukewarm therapeutic relationship, and you likely will get something out of it still, but treat yourself to a nice, warm, luxurious bubble bath! I believe finding a therapist you fit with, will feel like that perfect temperatured bath and not the lukewarm.